This is where i am

This is where i am, physically a little better when i can make myself go into the pool everyday i move a lot better. Emotionally a lot has changed, I am working on issues with my therapist and making some progress and Then of course when you think Hey maybe i am getting where i need to be i End up in the rabbit hole of grief.

Beau my beloved Sheltie of 5 years had been losing wt and after the cruise i took him in at first the Vet thought it was heat related then it was thyroid the appropriate meds were used and proper response noted, this followed by severe nausea and vomiting loose stools. Many test later and along with other meds i thought he had turned the corner only to have him make a drastic change the next morning my vet who is a good and Godly man could only offer iv fluids , Lucy and I bundled him up without delay and headed to Thomasville. My sweet Bear died in my arms i felt him shutter and while i was praying and hoping we turned back to our vet he was dead. So 9 days later my boy is buried in my yard and i miss him so badly. Lucy's puppy Kc
has been a great distraction and he is a sweet german sheppard dog. I know that in respect to the rest of what is going on in our family, Lucy's second semester of college . Wayne teaching as a para pro with special needs kids since he could not get a teaching job . Lucy is working part time but as usual she needs money. I don't know how we will manage but it will be tighter than tight . I am doing better as far as my trust in God a dear friend told me about a sermon that Jentzen Franklin did on God is your door keeper and it so spoke to me about how i have looked at this last year as punishment instead of what it was God protecting me. Not 20 mins after seeing the sermon I learned that some other things had gone on at my old job and it was like Oh I so did not need to be in that mess Thank you Jesus. This week i have a gathering to go to gonna try my hand at baked beans and then it is time to pack for State, Chance is lame and sister will be getting x rays this week we are all praying that it will show a treatable injury something that needs time and is not career ending for this Sweet Good Horse.

My Beau

You are my Beau the sweetest eyes the dearest nose to me you were perfect from your head to your toes.

your corkscrew tail some saw as a flaw it bothered me not all.
Your mind was quick your gait was true it seemed to me that there was nothing you could not do.
The years we shared went by so fast .
I have a few photo's your toy's are still here
Oh how i miss you my dear

I went to your grave though your not really there you have crossed the rainbow bridge.
So play there my dear one run all day long in the sweetest grass and in the coolest of days
I know you will greet me when my journey is done your body restored better than before.

Catch up

So Much has happen I did reccive my disablity and while it will not come close to what i used to earn it will help keep us above water with God's help. I continue to struggle with the physical problems that have in many ways grown worse. Looking for a doctor that will give my botox injections to make my legs less spastic. I don't think the deppression is gone cause i still have trouble sleeping and don't want to leave home much. Had a real bad fall and had a black eye but it is gone now. Have booked a vacation for wayne and I using some of the money Aunt B left us If anyone deserves a get away trip it is wayne.

Still struggling with trying to find a food plan i can follow tried nutrisystem but only lost 3 or 4 pounds and it was too expensive so i cancelled it still have some of the food and am picking at it,
My friend has started Chemo and i am praying for him to endure and find the strength to get through I so wish he would turn to jesus .

catch up

Catching up So much has gone on and Gods hand has been so evident in it. Heard from my friend while he does not mention Jesus or God he did not scold me in my urging . My sweet sister in love Eve had surgery to remove her right kidney and now we are waiting for the pathology to come back from Texas hospital Md anderson. Eve and Fortson seem to be handing it well and growing in spirit and the girls are good. I go see christine in the afternoon and hopefully wayne and i will get our cruise plans settled. I am not going to write much i took a nap and now it is after 2 am so i will try to go back to bed and in the words of Lucy maude montgomery Tommorrow is another day with no mistakes in It!

So For Now

So still no official letter from social security, I am so ready for it to come went to see Christine yesterday she gave me so homework to do . I am working as much as my back will let me on Laundry and cleaning and planning the cruise for Wayne and I . Lucy is counting down the weeks to graduation but i worry for her because she keeps being late for english lit class I hope Wayne can help me figure out what to do. It is Raining I heard from my friend a short note no mention of God just facts but no barbs or mean remarks . I continue to pray for guidance and wisdom i so want him to accept jesus I feel in my heart that he will make it as far as the cancer but i don't want him to lose the eternity that is promised to us all when we accept jesus.

I am grateful for the rain and the sunshine
that you hold my tears in your hands
that simple though i am you love me.

Not the new shiney clean victorious me but the sinner that i was the failure
that i am you make me shiney and new when i let my self get tarnished by my wrong choices you love me then too

Help chose the right path the rough road and trust you all the way
Help to Love others for you today!

Risk

Well I may have done it now only God knows if it will be alright, my friend who has been dx with colon cancer I have struggled most of the day with wanting to ask him to please consider jesus when we worked together we had many discussions about faith. well no matter what i did today the spirit kept on at me and i had to write him . I am just not sure where he is right now and it will either fall on deaf ears or it may cause him not to be my friend which would grieve me so but i could not risk not obeying the spirit, So I jumped that fence I just pray that he will read it in the manner it was meant and that i will still hear from him. I am concerned but i would have been terrified not to tell him that he is loved by the one who made him and that he will be alright but he can have peace if he will just trust in the lord. I hope i did not do the wrong thing Oh God Please let the words be Right,

Sunshine and Shadow

Today has been a sunshine and Shadow day, I learned that a dear friend is facing a fight with colon cancer having had surgery he faces chemo in six weeks. He has a great family is a very smart man and Can afford the best of care. He does not know jesus unless this has changed since he left my area. i wrote him and email back and tried to be funny and encouraging have prayed and called others who love him as well to pray. i have not however encouraged him openly to reconsider jesus and am not sure why my fear for him is what it always was that something would happen to him before he was saved. It seems that i am to Love him now and show care and courage and be ready when the opportunity comes to witness to him. He is alreadywalking miles to get him self as fit as possible he has always been a fit man.

The sunshine is that of an everyday thing that i have a savior who loves me and cares and i can fully trust in him he is not like me not hot and cold he is the same everyday he will take care of my friend and of me and mine!

Wow Thank you Jesus!!!


I got word today that my claim has been approved and so I will be able to start think about other things and maybe work on getting back to a normal Less Fearful Life. Some kind soul actually approched my sister about me doing Volunteer work as a way to get out of the house answering phones. So I am here Just Thanking God that Good things are about and that i can still be useful I have been greiving over the loss of usefulness in my life. Thank you God for the blessings seen and unseen.

Oh Lord How mighty you are yet you watch over me,
You who formed the world and all its splendors

Yet you hear my thoughts you know me my secret heart and love me still. Lord How can you Love even me I am not fit to gather crumbs from the floor of your table, Yet you bid me to Crawl up in your Lap and rest in your perfect peace, You remind me that you have over come the world.

You Lord are perfection blameless spotless pure, I am willful fretful anxious yet you bid me to Trust you and you give me your Peace .



Thamk you Lord for your Love that i can only begin to fathom the depth and breath of you Oh Lord that you would give this poor Woman words to bring you
glory some small measure to give back to you.
.

Maybe Tommorrow

Maybe tommorrow I will get an answer to the disability claim. I am so ready to just be able to think about something else . I am tried Physically emotionally and mentally tired. So ready to just well sorta like Aunt Eller on oklahoma you take the good and the bad and you say Well alright then. I guess that is where i am .

I wish that i was able to run like a horse taking great deep droughts of air and go on but i am not. I can watch a horse run and feel deep pleasure in that .

I wish i could fly like the birds swooping and fluttering their wings chirping and singing, I am bound to the earth until the Lord calls me home. Still I can delight in watching the birds knowing that God cares about each of them He cares for me too.

So while i am freer physcially than some but not all i am sensitive to the fact that the father know what is best.

Connect the Dots

I was thinking about the things in childhood that used to make me happy,like kaliadoscopes and paperdolls and Connect the dots. Simple things and perhaps i am making things harder than they have to be or am i scared of complex things I am not sure.

Yesterday we thought Secret was sick Thank God it was a false alarm This Cold weather is just not good for the horses they don't like to drink when it is this cold and we are so blessed we are not like our northern neighbors who have snow to deal with. Still have not heard from my claim as the weeks go by it is hard to hold on to my hope. Poor wayne who has tried so hard to be as understanding as he can. It was awful in the hospital I was never so glad to leave a place in my life. It was so weird afterworking for the hospital in different area's i still felt like i should pick up trash or wipe up a spill yet i am not part of that world anymore and hearing people moan and crying it was terrible i just wanted to tell the nurses Do Something Don't you hear them they are hurting!

Still I am comforting myself that God has all of this in his hands he knows how hard I worked How hard i tried and that either way we will be okay, If I Can just make a step across the bridge . Maybe i am crossing the bridge and I just don't realize it . I don't know .



Thank you Lord


Thank you Lord you are here with me In me around me Lord.
Thank you Lord you wipe my tears and hold them in you hands Lord.
Thank you Lord I can crawl up in your Lap and you hold me Lord.
Thank you Lord You set me on my feet again you brush me off and send me on my way.

Seemed Like Forever

So much has happened, Lucy had appendicitis and had to go to our local Ed. They were great very busy so she had to wait a good bit but as soon as they got her in the went right to work and then after Ct and labs she had pain meds and then more pain meds. The only time i thought i would lose it was when I was waiting for the nurse to bring the second dose of pain meds. It Ripped my heart seeing her in that much pain. I was able to ride in the ambulance with her I was in the front , The emt had a country rock station on the radio and I was actually bold enough to ask if I could change the station, Yep we listened to Good old K LOVE as we went through the night I had my head down praying, We had to go through the ed in thomasville this was stressful as Lucy was very scared and there was a lady moaning loudly and vomitting in the room next to us. outside our door a bipolar lady was carrying on and the staff was trying to get her in a chair. I had to just keep praying for the faceless lady's and for God to keep me together.
once we got in her room it was better then we had the wait until they finshed the admisson .



There was a nice man who transported her to pre op and he said I know you are 18 but do you want your mama to go with you ? She said yes I do so away we went and in the pre op area
it was hetic lots going on, She handled the second i v better than the first one and I thought
did a good trying to answer their questions. However the anethesiologist was sharp with her she was looking over at the nurse who had just arrived to her bedside with lots of syringes ect and he goes Hey Pay Attention to me in a rough tone, then when obtaining her consent he read it but it was like I can't be bothered.

How very hard to walk away as they took her I managed by Gods grace not to fall apart then on
to the lobby to wait and thank goodness there was Mama and eve , She did fine and we ended up staying one more night. I had so wanted her to tell me it is okay you go home when my sister came to see her she said Lucy aren't you ready for your mama go home she said Oh no she is staying with me so of course i stayed and we got through the night. Today was our second day home I have not got much done but i have been so glad to be home . The first thing that happened was mama answered my phone and some poor indian telemarker from debt relife services called and I lost it i yelled at the man it was the stress of the last 2 days I actually thought i heard sirens on the way home but mama and lucy did not hear it. That freaked me out
I have been thinking that i need to spend more time in my bible I have to know more so that when the stress comes i can handle it better I know that being around the sick people and the hustle and bustle did not help me.


It has turned cold again and everyone is pretty tired of rain but as Aunt Virgina used to say
You can control the weather I have not gotten much done today and when i saw my sister she said You look fretful I am I suppose so grateful that lucy is doing better so ready to feel better and for my claim to be settled.



So that is what has gone on with me, I remain a blessed woman ridin the roller coaster trying to cross the bridge.

now what

Now what? I am sitting here in my cozy chair drinking a cup of coffee and wondering what now? I am still having some dizzy spells and though i feel better since adjustment still sore so I have been a good girl taken the meds and the buzzing in my mind is Now what. I so wish that i would get the results of my claim. It would be part of the moving on process. Still we seem to be managing okay with bills . I just need to get across the bridge. From the old me and life to the new me and new life. Like so many things in my life the fear holds me . Had horrible dreams about work the 2 different jobs blending in mainly about the nursing home the overwhelming feeling of not being able to do it all. Each time i would wake so grateful that i was dreaming.

I have to stop and get ready have an appointment with Dr C and I am glad to be going so that maybe she can help me figure out how to cross the bridge.

How to cross the Bridge

How does the weary traveler cross the bridge as the wind blows and the river below rages.

Suddenly finding herself in the middle of the bridge the wind has stopped but the river rages on Louder than ever.

unable to move feet that have turned to stone can go backward or forward Alone.

At the end of the bridge Green meadows wait butterflies sail sweetly scented breezes blow What must I do How do I go. How do I leave the old life behind ?

It is awful these sad lines but that is what is going on in this tossed up mind so i will wait and see what is next .

Hope that tommorrow will be better today was not really bad but had horrible headache and just felt bad. I did not get any reading done of my bible or my beth moore book I wish that i could figure out why i don't get it all done now that i am not working my days fly by. Still I will begin again tommorrow because I know that there is a Victory waiting for me in this Journey and It will help me to Learn more about Jesus.

Claiming the healing that will come

Today is valentines day and I am claiming the healing that i know will soon be mine! Still dizzy, Ear still hurts fell twice yesterday and with having a horrible night last night not getting to go to warehouse this morning I am still convinced in my heart that a healing is coming . I am going to call dr. Lambert and Micheal shiver tommorrow and see if I can get in and get some help I realize that i am more and more house bound and the falls hurt I hate feeling like this but God is good and he is in control he will help me I am sure of it!

We had snow yesterday in south ga! It was wonderful walked with mama to roberts and watched Robert Theo and Chris make snowmen and throw snowballs. Beau Loved it and the horses did not like it . It is a memory that I will cherish being with mama in the snow!

Today has been okay I fell twice and the last one was really hard and hurt. I am not going to get to go to church in the morning cause wayne said he would take me but not stay and I need to hold on to someone who is stronger than Lucy. it is either my ear or the thing that scares me a Brain tumor. It feels silly to even type that. Here is praying that it is the ear. Thought that Lucy and bubba were gonna come over we did a quick tidy up and they are Not gonna come. Mama is at a play tonight. Still waiting on the case and should Know something in a couple weeks.

The Gift of Snow

You gave us the gift of snow

Crisp and white so cold and light the gift of snow .

Young and old filled with delight all amazed at the site.

How different the everyday scene When covered in White.

Help us remember our Joy at the Gift of snow.

How pretty she is today!

This morning I was greeted with a the site of two really happy horses and blou looked like her old self frisky and so far today she has been good. I have started by the kitchen and have to get up soon and try and sweep still sore and right leg is painful. Go see Dr Patel tommorrow still waiting for a Word on my case. Things with mama seem better!

My Little girl is growing up she not a baby now

How it happened I do not know I thought i have

more time to watch her grow.

From baby dolls to barbie's

Frogs and butterflies.

Gymnastics and horse show s

Now we are shopping for a prom dress

S.A.T. or compess test

Which one would be best?

Cap and Gown and year book comming

Graduations is upon us

So Little girl as you soon depart know with head but also your

your heart. That as the road goes winding and the years unfold Your mama will always love you.

More precious than silver or Gold.

\

Today Blou was good I hope she stays good during the night I am going trust God that he will watch over her and i am going to get my Beth Moore book and get in the bed and read and Go go sleep. Thank you Lord for all you do to help me ,Protect me . your mercy and grace are wonderful.

It is wet and rainy here but In my heart it is sunny Blou had colic yesterday but so far so good and I am so grateful that she is doing well. was up and down all night checking on her but she ate this morning and so I hope and pray that she will continue to do well. Still no word on my case Dr patel called and said some doctor named Bailey had called her about me me and she would call back.

Have to get my house cleaned up and So i can start my Beth Moore book it came in and I am so ready to read it and see if it will help me . Off to the wet barn to check on my babies and then to do what i can in the house it is not much but it is something,

Today started with a bang actually repeated door bell rings at a furious pace it was mama the horses had gotten out and Wayne went and as soon as he opened the gate the went right in Like Oh you ready for us . Then after Thanking God for the Horses going back in sweetly. Wayne and I went to the warehouse It was Wonderful and then to brunch at huddle house .

Well here i am it is almost 3 am I listen to lucy as she sleeps on the couch she declares that it feels better than her bed. I did not hear from the disability folks so that means either i did not get it or it is still being reviewed. I feel like i am on the edge of something that is so Good and that i just have to go a little bit farther to get there.I have a lot farther to go to get where i need to as far as the housework is concerned and as of late i remain a low energy girl. still i am hopeful it is like i have too much going on as far as what i can do with my time and i end up not getting anything done. I want to really work on beau and getting him more mannerly and I have needlework to do plus the cooking, cleaning , horses ect. I only feed and pat the horses in no shape to ride. I hope that i communicated well enough to wayne that i need his help in getting things finished in the house we shall see. we went made a deposit and walked in walmart and did not buy a thing I was so proud of us both. we will be shopping some tommorrow for Wayne's Garden. and maybe some Rose bushes,

I am finally feeling like i can sleep so I will go try and see if the sand man comes!

Waiting is not easy Has never been my style.

Help Lord to Look for you

Knowing all the while that you alone my jesus.

Aware of what I do Aware of all my thoughts and fears

Remind me I belong to you.

Feeble Limbs that tremble Steady me sweet Lord. For I need to raise my hands and offer up my Voice. My melody may be off a singer i am not Yet to you alone

I offer praise such as these for you alone are worthy

I give my laughter and my tears

Only ask you let me Praise you during the comming years

Words don't begin to tell the Love you give to me

So take the simple offering it is mine to give and polish

with my tears and praise ,

A Little Closer Still

Today has been a up and down day started with Lucy and I not on the same wave length my sweet daughter is frustrated about not having a job but when the opportunity comes for her to make some money she is too busy she doesn't want to do what is needed. She left late for shcool then calls needs me to check her out so she can go to lunch well i decide to call the school check on the seat hours and what is going on she had not even gone to class yet and they were in second block she was out in the parking lot decorating Jenna's car. I think maybe we are letting her have my car too much and i need to take her to school. Not real happy about driving her but do i do that or now that she understands that she could not graduate if she keeps this up is that enough. Can't talk to mama about it and not sure what i need to do will pray about it and when Wayne get home we can talk.

For the up side my case is being reviewed even as i type I pray that Lord who ever has my case may they see me as a person Hopefully that doctor is a compassionate man or woman who prayerfully considers things that is my hope.

Still I believe that God has this and it is in his hands and he will do what is best for me all i have to do is trust him I feel hopeful that it is possible while it would be tight with disability it would validate that at this time i am not able to nurse and that i can retire and focus on Loving my Husband and home and family and Whatever else God has for me.

Oh Happy Day

Oh Happy Day, Woke up with very little dizziness took antivert just to be on safe side and no headache feel the best i have felt in a week ! Lucy and I discussed my problem with mama and how to resolve it i really do miss her and want to get along. I am praying that we can mend it before it gets too big. It is beautiful outside not sure what the temp is but it is powder blue sky and Sunny!Have to get up and shower and start cleaning now that i feel good i want to do something with it!Later on i may do a little on line retail therapy for kitchen cannisters ect . Am so grateful to God for my sister who is a bridge to help me with communications am grateful that i am learning how to be more effective in my relationships. There just isn't enough room her to list everything but i am so grateful to God I feel that he does Love me and care for me and he hears me when no one else does!!!

Sunday Night and All is Well!

It is Sunday night and While the dizziness is not completely Gone I am not in the Er Like this time last week so I am Grateful. Wayne Has been helping me go through stuff and changing somethings around in the kitchen. So today was not a total Loss. I am so ready to get better . I am going to be on the phone tommorrow to see if Dr patel will give me some more antivert so that i can take it like i am supposed to .

Trust

I trust you in the good times and i trust you in the bad in all that i am going through you are all that i can see.

I looked for you in crowded streets my heart listened for your voice.

In my longing and my fears i almost missed you.

When i am at my weakest and not soaring wild or free

That is when you come along and It is okay stay with me.

Soon I will be strong again i fly as i have before but this time i will wait for you and we will both

soar.

Waiting it is not fun!

Well I am waiting, Waiting for the dizzyness to go away. waiting to here if the disability will be granted. Waiting to see if my 18 year old daughter is going to stay sane or in the first flush of freedom do something she will regret. The thing is all these situations have one thing in common. I can't control the out come it is out of my hands and I hate to wait.

I am bundled up in my chair with ammoco the cat asleep on my feet and I am trying to wrangle my thoughts that are so much quicker than my slow typing. I am considering changing doctors after the disability is done cause it is so hard going to the office there is still that part of me that thinks if they had left me there i would be so much better off but then again this maybe a gift that I have not got the ability to recongnize.

Thinking that perhaps if i can just lay all this out before God maybe he will take it from me once and for all and then i will have a measure of peace, still even though the dizzyness is not gone i am not throwing up and that means so much to me.

The best thing to do?

At this point i have gotten up fed the sweetest horses in the world, had one and 1/2 cups of coffee and my bath. Have swept and picked up a little Just still feel bad can't decide if i want to fix lunch or go back to bed. Will probably fix lunch fiqure out what to make for supper . I feel guilty if i go back to bed Why is that? Tommorrow is Lucy's 18 th birthday I can't believe she is already 18 where did my little toddler girl go? She is a little mad at her mama right now because i am pushing her to stay at school she is in such a hurry to graduate and i think on some levels i remember that feeling. She is on fire to go and do her own thing i just hope she is ready. Wayne is ready for her to venture out of the nest i think he needs me more than lucy does these days . I seem to be doing better i can get wistful in a heartbeat but that is nothing new.

So the dizziness is better still not gone and oh How i wish it was! Still i am grateful that i am not puking my guts out today! I have come to the realization that i must fiqure out a way to study my bible daily. I am still encouraging my friends on facebook and this seems to help people. Writing is helping me to focus on things and is a good outlet instead of over eating. It is cool and sunny today which is lovely. rain expected later in the week. I feel like a baby whinning about vertigo but really i have never had anything like this. I know that there is so many people who are suffering so much more than Me. I think about the folks in haiti I had to turn it off the t.v. cause i just could not watch any more. Wayne was distant last night and i wanted to fret that something is wrong and that he is hiding something from me. He said he is just tired and had a hard day. This is where trusting God and not myself comes in. Things are better here on the compound Just wish i felt better cause i Know i need to be cleaning and doing laundry.

Well it is 6 pm and i have not vomited today amazing how much better i feel. Wayne has gone to the store and lucy has gone to see John. Mama came down today was pleasant and helpful and it was good,Still dizzy but not as much and if i get still and close my eyes it stops. i am sure the meds are helping but my God my Strong tower is best of all, am so hopeful that i will be all better by tommorrow,

Yesterday i woke up and had the fun experience of waking up with Vertigo i am praying that it goes away as fast as it came, i missed the family celebrating Lucy and roberts 18 birthday spent the day in the bed in the bathroom throwing up and thinking i am not ready to die like this, It was really beastly. it culminated in my first ambulance ride to Er, 2 bags of fluids and a small rx of antivert. so here i am day 2 of drunk with nothing to drink, have made it to my chair and have not thrown up yet so i am grateful, will write more Later, was so blessed by wayne he was amazing and so kind, He is a jewel.

So today has been rather Quiet and Nice, it is sunny outside and i am not as stormy inside so that is good. I found a list of the names of God that i found really neat i have to look up the proper way to say them but here they are

1. Elohim when you need God's power to help.

2.El elyon wheb you need the sacredness of the most high god.

3.yahweh when you needthe divine presence of god.

5.El roi When you need the overseer of your own affairs call El rio the god who sees.

Of course this is just a small list there are many more names but isn't wonderful it is a way that God reminds of all he is!

I am so grateful that even though things are far from perfect i am not perfect never was never will be I have a Perfect God to give it all too my tears and my praise/

My Tears And My Praise

My Wounds and Scars are nothing when compared to your's yet you Love me Still.

My Cries they fall on your ears and with everything you could do you chose to her me Still.

My tears you hold in your hands the Hands that made the world.

My praise you hear and reccive it is not that much I bring but my praise of God you are my king and I will give you my tears and my Praise for you alone Control my days and watch over me by

night and day.

Fill me with so many ways that i can Praise you !!

well yesterday was interesting in that i spend most of it in the bed. Wayne and I watched movies and played majong and talked it was great! Now i am getting a late start and have to do something so that i don't feel so guilty. I was just reminded that Just because i don't know what God is doing it does not mean that he is not working and doing and i will Know Later. My body may be sore from so much bed time but i feel better in my spirit that I am on the right track in so many ways.

Today has been a mixed blessing like alot of my days it seems It seems that The Good Lord means for me to learn how to confront people especially people who i love and have the hardest time confronting. I had always sorta viewed robert and I as the lucky ones as far as the five siblings go my child hood memories are mixed and somewhat blocked but today was like having a scar ripped off your body. The whole time the conflict was going on i kept saying I can't hear what you are saying now don't you know that you are Hurting me Why would you do this. You just told me how when this happened to you how it hurt you that is what you are doing right now. Before I would have A) given Lip service and said I agree with you ,B Changed the subject and left as quickly as possible . Today it just rose up in me and i tried to defend my thoughts and give example without hitting below the belt. Now that many hours have gone by and i have had sometime to ponder things I wonder if God is trying to teach me how to shift my focus or toughen up cause it is fixing to get worse I am determined not to wallow in this but the hurt of it put me back in a place i never wanted to go back too.

A plate of Chocolates

A plate of chocolates so smooth and sweet tempting

a temporary moment of bliss that would overtake the

Pain.

The pain old wounds that time and distance had dimished

Like once rough stones that had been rinsed by turbulent waters for so long that the appearance of smoothness is apparent but just under the surface the cracks await . The pain like an Old Lion roars and my hand aches to reach out and take a smooth sweet chocolate from the plate the pain numbing chocolate that will for a moment Silence the Lion.

good day Have alot to do tommorrow Lucy told me that my clothes did not smell fresh today and that really bothered me. When we were walking at the hospital i got so short of breath and i have got to get a grip and lose some weight. I see christine tommorrow and hope i can make some progress . Then when i get done in thomasville i have to make a stab at the house cause Pelli is comming to see me tommorrow. It is not looking good on the disability because even though my legs are the pits i have good pinch strength and so it is going to be up to God to put my file in the hands of a doctor who may look kindly on me. It is up to him.

Well Thus Far today has been bittersweet, The worship at the warehouse was awesome Rick Preached and it was awesome all about how it is okay to Doubt God and to share our struggles that it is through our doubt and search that God teaches us and that we grow. Sister has a heavy heart and the Lord is working in her life. So now i am snuggled down with a slow blazing fire and 2 blankets. The weather is bitter cold.Wayne has gone to lowes . Lucy is with friends. I am going to face the wretched scale tommorrow I have gained and have to get on program so that i can lose this weight i have been eating my doubts and fears instead of talking to God about it .

Well today has been a day! one of the animals is wanting some water so i will do that so that the stop moving the water bowl across the kitchen floor and then i can proceed to try and put it all down.Over slept which did not help me at all it has been so cold this week but Thanks be to God no colic yet Praise him . Wayne's mama is having a horrible time with her chemo does any one have a good time with it? She sounds so weak and frail. I hid in my bathroom today praying the whole time because i just did not want to deal with mama and her criticism and so she fussed at Wayne I am sure i will get it tommorrow . I know that she is still hurt with me for changing churches . I learned that because the Guy that did my Functional capascity Exam said my grip strength and pinch strength was good i may get dinied. That sorta made me feel anxious for a bit but God has got this and i am going to keep trusting him to lead me on. So I got some light housekeeping done and such. Did not get my bible read but have listened to joyce meyer and some good music am listening to my ipod that has an electic mix on it from Judy Garland to huey lewis and the news and all points in between. Really think i missed a dose of meds yesterday and it did a number on me today so i changed where i am taking them. Had a horrible nightmare ect.I spend sometime talking to Christa and she is having a hard time and i wish she could see somebody that could help her. I cannot wait to talk to christine i have somethings to ask her am i avoiding mama because of conflict and it is easy to just not see her, Was all the time that i let the house get messy dirty because i wanted to keep family out so if i wanted to over eat they would not be here cause my house is dirty. I have had some good things too when i found the ept in lucy's bathroom before i would have gone ape crap but i did not and she has talked more to me and told me that she thinks it has helped me. How much of my life is ruled by my fears my not riding cause i am scared i will get hurt, I don't drive certain places cause i might get in a wreck,'

I don't confront mama on my boundaries cause it would cause a problem and i see her critisim as a rejection. Sometimes i am not the sweet person that folks think i am but i don't show it cause i don't want to be hurt or rejected. I feel better but still feel like a mess. I talked to fred this week he still has nightmares and such just like i do so i am not alone. I know that i am blessed and i don't want to be on a pitty pot as mom puts it but i also want to redeem the time and find out why i react the way i do so i can learn. I feel like there is something for me to do and if i don't get disability i will find something but i am beginning to not think that my identity is wrapped in nursing, I watched squrriels play in the tree yesterday so full of joy ripping and racing around the trunk of the tree running on the limbs and jumping from tree to tree i fully expected them to laugh out loud or at least one of them call Watch me mom. I thought about if they have joy the freedom of movement the glee of play how much more does God want us to be joyful.

A lovely service at the warehouse the music just filled me i worshiped with my hands up and felt the Holy spirit so sweet and strong. Sermon was also good and then came home a little conflict with my beloved has left me feeling blue and sad went in the bathroom and prayed that God would soften my heart if it is me that needs to be corrected.Am sleepy and think i am going to try and go take a nap. will hopefully write more later.

January 1 2010

well today has been a good day , had lunch with mama supper with wayne and lucy so now i am getting ready to go to bed I am tired , I am going to read a psalm and maybe a proverb say my prayers and go to bed. I have so much that i need to start on back on program and home stuff . I am so grateful that the lord is giving me this time to learn and get myself together. I feel kinda blah but i really think i am just tired.

Only you know the future lord and what it holds

I only know that as long as i hold on to you i will be survive that future and be redeemed at your chosen time. Thank you lord that i am not what i used to be i am not what i will become but i am getting better in every way everyday, Thank you jesus!