Well today has been a day! one of the animals is wanting some water so i will do that so that the stop moving the water bowl across the kitchen floor and then i can proceed to try and put it all down.Over slept which did not help me at all it has been so cold this week but Thanks be to God no colic yet Praise him . Wayne's mama is having a horrible time with her chemo does any one have a good time with it? She sounds so weak and frail. I hid in my bathroom today praying the whole time because i just did not want to deal with mama and her criticism and so she fussed at Wayne I am sure i will get it tommorrow . I know that she is still hurt with me for changing churches . I learned that because the Guy that did my Functional capascity Exam said my grip strength and pinch strength was good i may get dinied. That sorta made me feel anxious for a bit but God has got this and i am going to keep trusting him to lead me on. So I got some light housekeeping done and such. Did not get my bible read but have listened to joyce meyer and some good music am listening to my ipod that has an electic mix on it from Judy Garland to huey lewis and the news and all points in between. Really think i missed a dose of meds yesterday and it did a number on me today so i changed where i am taking them. Had a horrible nightmare ect.I spend sometime talking to Christa and she is having a hard time and i wish she could see somebody that could help her. I cannot wait to talk to christine i have somethings to ask her am i avoiding mama because of conflict and it is easy to just not see her, Was all the time that i let the house get messy dirty because i wanted to keep family out so if i wanted to over eat they would not be here cause my house is dirty. I have had some good things too when i found the ept in lucy's bathroom before i would have gone ape crap but i did not and she has talked more to me and told me that she thinks it has helped me. How much of my life is ruled by my fears my not riding cause i am scared i will get hurt, I don't drive certain places cause i might get in a wreck,'

I don't confront mama on my boundaries cause it would cause a problem and i see her critisim as a rejection. Sometimes i am not the sweet person that folks think i am but i don't show it cause i don't want to be hurt or rejected. I feel better but still feel like a mess. I talked to fred this week he still has nightmares and such just like i do so i am not alone. I know that i am blessed and i don't want to be on a pitty pot as mom puts it but i also want to redeem the time and find out why i react the way i do so i can learn. I feel like there is something for me to do and if i don't get disability i will find something but i am beginning to not think that my identity is wrapped in nursing, I watched squrriels play in the tree yesterday so full of joy ripping and racing around the trunk of the tree running on the limbs and jumping from tree to tree i fully expected them to laugh out loud or at least one of them call Watch me mom. I thought about if they have joy the freedom of movement the glee of play how much more does God want us to be joyful.