Today has been an eventful day got a small amount of money considering that i am married with wayne and Lucy but it was for my short term disability and that was a blessing from God and we are putting it in the checking account and we spent a little wayne bought a saw and some new floor ing for the sun room! I helped just a little but quickly gave out and am sure I will pay for it tommorrow. Told mama about changing churches think it hurt her feelings and she had something to say about it. Still am so looking forward to Warehouse next sunday and Wayne said he might go with me Isn't that Great! I worked in the kitchen and have been trying to balance my time better!I am so grateful to God that he is providing for my needs and that i am feeling better in my soul the body continues to be a worry at times but that is going to get better .It is like the weight of worry is started lifting and i had a major breakthrough i have never been a good housekeeper to say the least i am not a hoarder but martha stewart i am not well when my sister and i had a heart to heart about it she reminded me that i get a pay off from keeping my house the way i have and that i needed to figure it out well i think i have part was just lazyness but part was that if it was messy mama would not come down here and then i would not have to deal with the lack of boundaries and conflict . The other part was i got tired of asking for help with wayne and lucy so i stopped. I am trying to do more loving consistent things for wayne and watching my reactions with Lucy and not jumping when mama pushes buttons.; we shall see.

Well today was a major day, went to the warehouse and the worship was so sweet and the music just was so wonderful. I moved my letter to camilla united methodist church so that i could be a member of the warehouse and also wayne and Lucy. Have not told mama yet. Went to sisters and we had a great talk about how i can establish my boundaries and about the house and just lots of the stuff and it was good. She got Johnnie and her husband Al to put a handrail up for me and it will be so nice to have it when i go to stay at her house. came home and scrubbed the kitchen and talked with wayne charged my ipod and loaded more songs. Lucy and john made chill and it was good. I am going to redouble my efforts to try and conquer something that i need to overcome and then maybe i can move on to the next step. With God all things are possible.

it was a merry christmas

It was a merry christmas i am sitting here with my earphones in listening to I'll fly away and Just sohe glad to have time to reflect . I am going to try and be more balanced tommorrow and get some stuff done . I love music it is so wonderful i think i have come up with a good mix Keith Urban, and lots of other country folks and some christan folks like Mathew west and i will be able to down load some Beth Moore on there so i can listen to her while i doing around. I am praying for the lord to bless the broken hearted the ones who don't how much they are loved. I am thanking him for some of my blessings of Family and Laughter and Love. Still waiting for a Good word on my Claim but the last conversation sounded like it was just the waiting game now and that it was looking good so we will see what will happen. I know that i have a God that made the whole universe he did that so i know he can see about me and lead me on to what is best for me .

Well it is 2 18 am and wayne lies beside me snoring away i hope to fall asleep soon. Still so much to do and I really want to enjoy this christmas. Looking forward to having time with family and hope to hear soon from the disability folks talked to ms barfeild this morning and she said things looked good just waiting on the medical consultant to review my records ect. Praying that God will cause him to thoughtfully consider my cause. I have some much i want to do and hope that i will get the chance to do it.

well it is almost christmas only 2 more gifts to buy Have started cleaning still much to do. Started on the baking made peppermint bark and haystacks. Watched a movie with lucy it is 2 am and my mind does not want to shut down. I am still trying to fiqure out what is next for me. I miss the nursing home but not the pressure or the death and dying . I feel like a bird that is set free but doesn't know where she is supposed to fly. Add to this mix the fact that i realize that i don't have boundaries when it comes to mama and i have consistantly put her ahead of my husband and child. She was angry with me friday because she stepped in and said the house smelled bad she was right but she doesn't know how to stop and just keeps on. So I was at Baker county ate too much and fretted about mama I know that she is right about somethings but i don't think anything i do will ever be good enough and maybe i need to just stop trying so hard . I am still trying to study the bible and When I go to the warehouse this weekend i think i will change my letter sister has already changed hers. I have discovered a new author for me karen kingsbury her books are wonderful and It is hard to put them down. Little lucy is asleep on the couch and she is snoring. Wayne has worked like a dog today on the yard cause mama made a comment about it that was not kind. Hopefully he will rest well and not be too sore in the morning. Tommorrow i will tidy up alittle more then i will cook somemore and hopefully give Beau a bath and brushing . I still think about the day i crashed and burned I am so grateful that i did not kill myself I hope i never feel that way again. I thank God that i had enough strength to cry out for help and to call robert and lucy.

As i do this only in selfishness that it helps me to continue to learn what is important and needed at this time I am more hopeful that i continue to grow and feel better in my head. I am making some decisons Like changing churches so that i can Praise the Lord and feel free to worship and study . Lucy is doing well and while things remain tight money wise we are gonna make it. I can't wait to talk to christine tommorrow and Wayne will be out of shcool in 2 days. I Can't really explain it but it is like a comming into something and knowing it Right and Good and it can be achieved with out struggle so full of Graditude that it is almost dizzying. Lost wieght Last night to boot and sister reminded me to continue to work on my fear about Riding secret and once the other stuff gets sorted out I think it would be good to be able to ride again and have Joy of that feeling it would be better than any food her on earth.