well it is almost christmas only 2 more gifts to buy Have started cleaning still much to do. Started on the baking made peppermint bark and haystacks. Watched a movie with lucy it is 2 am and my mind does not want to shut down. I am still trying to fiqure out what is next for me. I miss the nursing home but not the pressure or the death and dying . I feel like a bird that is set free but doesn't know where she is supposed to fly. Add to this mix the fact that i realize that i don't have boundaries when it comes to mama and i have consistantly put her ahead of my husband and child. She was angry with me friday because she stepped in and said the house smelled bad she was right but she doesn't know how to stop and just keeps on. So I was at Baker county ate too much and fretted about mama I know that she is right about somethings but i don't think anything i do will ever be good enough and maybe i need to just stop trying so hard . I am still trying to study the bible and When I go to the warehouse this weekend i think i will change my letter sister has already changed hers. I have discovered a new author for me karen kingsbury her books are wonderful and It is hard to put them down. Little lucy is asleep on the couch and she is snoring. Wayne has worked like a dog today on the yard cause mama made a comment about it that was not kind. Hopefully he will rest well and not be too sore in the morning. Tommorrow i will tidy up alittle more then i will cook somemore and hopefully give Beau a bath and brushing . I still think about the day i crashed and burned I am so grateful that i did not kill myself I hope i never feel that way again. I thank God that i had enough strength to cry out for help and to call robert and lucy.