Sunday Night and All is Well!

It is Sunday night and While the dizziness is not completely Gone I am not in the Er Like this time last week so I am Grateful. Wayne Has been helping me go through stuff and changing somethings around in the kitchen. So today was not a total Loss. I am so ready to get better . I am going to be on the phone tommorrow to see if Dr patel will give me some more antivert so that i can take it like i am supposed to .

Trust

I trust you in the good times and i trust you in the bad in all that i am going through you are all that i can see.

I looked for you in crowded streets my heart listened for your voice.

In my longing and my fears i almost missed you.

When i am at my weakest and not soaring wild or free

That is when you come along and It is okay stay with me.

Soon I will be strong again i fly as i have before but this time i will wait for you and we will both

soar.

Waiting it is not fun!

Well I am waiting, Waiting for the dizzyness to go away. waiting to here if the disability will be granted. Waiting to see if my 18 year old daughter is going to stay sane or in the first flush of freedom do something she will regret. The thing is all these situations have one thing in common. I can't control the out come it is out of my hands and I hate to wait.

I am bundled up in my chair with ammoco the cat asleep on my feet and I am trying to wrangle my thoughts that are so much quicker than my slow typing. I am considering changing doctors after the disability is done cause it is so hard going to the office there is still that part of me that thinks if they had left me there i would be so much better off but then again this maybe a gift that I have not got the ability to recongnize.

Thinking that perhaps if i can just lay all this out before God maybe he will take it from me once and for all and then i will have a measure of peace, still even though the dizzyness is not gone i am not throwing up and that means so much to me.

The best thing to do?

At this point i have gotten up fed the sweetest horses in the world, had one and 1/2 cups of coffee and my bath. Have swept and picked up a little Just still feel bad can't decide if i want to fix lunch or go back to bed. Will probably fix lunch fiqure out what to make for supper . I feel guilty if i go back to bed Why is that? Tommorrow is Lucy's 18 th birthday I can't believe she is already 18 where did my little toddler girl go? She is a little mad at her mama right now because i am pushing her to stay at school she is in such a hurry to graduate and i think on some levels i remember that feeling. She is on fire to go and do her own thing i just hope she is ready. Wayne is ready for her to venture out of the nest i think he needs me more than lucy does these days . I seem to be doing better i can get wistful in a heartbeat but that is nothing new.

So the dizziness is better still not gone and oh How i wish it was! Still i am grateful that i am not puking my guts out today! I have come to the realization that i must fiqure out a way to study my bible daily. I am still encouraging my friends on facebook and this seems to help people. Writing is helping me to focus on things and is a good outlet instead of over eating. It is cool and sunny today which is lovely. rain expected later in the week. I feel like a baby whinning about vertigo but really i have never had anything like this. I know that there is so many people who are suffering so much more than Me. I think about the folks in haiti I had to turn it off the t.v. cause i just could not watch any more. Wayne was distant last night and i wanted to fret that something is wrong and that he is hiding something from me. He said he is just tired and had a hard day. This is where trusting God and not myself comes in. Things are better here on the compound Just wish i felt better cause i Know i need to be cleaning and doing laundry.

Well it is 6 pm and i have not vomited today amazing how much better i feel. Wayne has gone to the store and lucy has gone to see John. Mama came down today was pleasant and helpful and it was good,Still dizzy but not as much and if i get still and close my eyes it stops. i am sure the meds are helping but my God my Strong tower is best of all, am so hopeful that i will be all better by tommorrow,

Yesterday i woke up and had the fun experience of waking up with Vertigo i am praying that it goes away as fast as it came, i missed the family celebrating Lucy and roberts 18 birthday spent the day in the bed in the bathroom throwing up and thinking i am not ready to die like this, It was really beastly. it culminated in my first ambulance ride to Er, 2 bags of fluids and a small rx of antivert. so here i am day 2 of drunk with nothing to drink, have made it to my chair and have not thrown up yet so i am grateful, will write more Later, was so blessed by wayne he was amazing and so kind, He is a jewel.

So today has been rather Quiet and Nice, it is sunny outside and i am not as stormy inside so that is good. I found a list of the names of God that i found really neat i have to look up the proper way to say them but here they are

1. Elohim when you need God's power to help.

2.El elyon wheb you need the sacredness of the most high god.

3.yahweh when you needthe divine presence of god.

5.El roi When you need the overseer of your own affairs call El rio the god who sees.

Of course this is just a small list there are many more names but isn't wonderful it is a way that God reminds of all he is!

I am so grateful that even though things are far from perfect i am not perfect never was never will be I have a Perfect God to give it all too my tears and my praise/

My Tears And My Praise

My Wounds and Scars are nothing when compared to your's yet you Love me Still.

My Cries they fall on your ears and with everything you could do you chose to her me Still.

My tears you hold in your hands the Hands that made the world.

My praise you hear and reccive it is not that much I bring but my praise of God you are my king and I will give you my tears and my Praise for you alone Control my days and watch over me by

night and day.

Fill me with so many ways that i can Praise you !!

well yesterday was interesting in that i spend most of it in the bed. Wayne and I watched movies and played majong and talked it was great! Now i am getting a late start and have to do something so that i don't feel so guilty. I was just reminded that Just because i don't know what God is doing it does not mean that he is not working and doing and i will Know Later. My body may be sore from so much bed time but i feel better in my spirit that I am on the right track in so many ways.

Today has been a mixed blessing like alot of my days it seems It seems that The Good Lord means for me to learn how to confront people especially people who i love and have the hardest time confronting. I had always sorta viewed robert and I as the lucky ones as far as the five siblings go my child hood memories are mixed and somewhat blocked but today was like having a scar ripped off your body. The whole time the conflict was going on i kept saying I can't hear what you are saying now don't you know that you are Hurting me Why would you do this. You just told me how when this happened to you how it hurt you that is what you are doing right now. Before I would have A) given Lip service and said I agree with you ,B Changed the subject and left as quickly as possible . Today it just rose up in me and i tried to defend my thoughts and give example without hitting below the belt. Now that many hours have gone by and i have had sometime to ponder things I wonder if God is trying to teach me how to shift my focus or toughen up cause it is fixing to get worse I am determined not to wallow in this but the hurt of it put me back in a place i never wanted to go back too.

A plate of Chocolates

A plate of chocolates so smooth and sweet tempting

a temporary moment of bliss that would overtake the

Pain.

The pain old wounds that time and distance had dimished

Like once rough stones that had been rinsed by turbulent waters for so long that the appearance of smoothness is apparent but just under the surface the cracks await . The pain like an Old Lion roars and my hand aches to reach out and take a smooth sweet chocolate from the plate the pain numbing chocolate that will for a moment Silence the Lion.

good day Have alot to do tommorrow Lucy told me that my clothes did not smell fresh today and that really bothered me. When we were walking at the hospital i got so short of breath and i have got to get a grip and lose some weight. I see christine tommorrow and hope i can make some progress . Then when i get done in thomasville i have to make a stab at the house cause Pelli is comming to see me tommorrow. It is not looking good on the disability because even though my legs are the pits i have good pinch strength and so it is going to be up to God to put my file in the hands of a doctor who may look kindly on me. It is up to him.

Well Thus Far today has been bittersweet, The worship at the warehouse was awesome Rick Preached and it was awesome all about how it is okay to Doubt God and to share our struggles that it is through our doubt and search that God teaches us and that we grow. Sister has a heavy heart and the Lord is working in her life. So now i am snuggled down with a slow blazing fire and 2 blankets. The weather is bitter cold.Wayne has gone to lowes . Lucy is with friends. I am going to face the wretched scale tommorrow I have gained and have to get on program so that i can lose this weight i have been eating my doubts and fears instead of talking to God about it .

Well today has been a day! one of the animals is wanting some water so i will do that so that the stop moving the water bowl across the kitchen floor and then i can proceed to try and put it all down.Over slept which did not help me at all it has been so cold this week but Thanks be to God no colic yet Praise him . Wayne's mama is having a horrible time with her chemo does any one have a good time with it? She sounds so weak and frail. I hid in my bathroom today praying the whole time because i just did not want to deal with mama and her criticism and so she fussed at Wayne I am sure i will get it tommorrow . I know that she is still hurt with me for changing churches . I learned that because the Guy that did my Functional capascity Exam said my grip strength and pinch strength was good i may get dinied. That sorta made me feel anxious for a bit but God has got this and i am going to keep trusting him to lead me on. So I got some light housekeeping done and such. Did not get my bible read but have listened to joyce meyer and some good music am listening to my ipod that has an electic mix on it from Judy Garland to huey lewis and the news and all points in between. Really think i missed a dose of meds yesterday and it did a number on me today so i changed where i am taking them. Had a horrible nightmare ect.I spend sometime talking to Christa and she is having a hard time and i wish she could see somebody that could help her. I cannot wait to talk to christine i have somethings to ask her am i avoiding mama because of conflict and it is easy to just not see her, Was all the time that i let the house get messy dirty because i wanted to keep family out so if i wanted to over eat they would not be here cause my house is dirty. I have had some good things too when i found the ept in lucy's bathroom before i would have gone ape crap but i did not and she has talked more to me and told me that she thinks it has helped me. How much of my life is ruled by my fears my not riding cause i am scared i will get hurt, I don't drive certain places cause i might get in a wreck,'

I don't confront mama on my boundaries cause it would cause a problem and i see her critisim as a rejection. Sometimes i am not the sweet person that folks think i am but i don't show it cause i don't want to be hurt or rejected. I feel better but still feel like a mess. I talked to fred this week he still has nightmares and such just like i do so i am not alone. I know that i am blessed and i don't want to be on a pitty pot as mom puts it but i also want to redeem the time and find out why i react the way i do so i can learn. I feel like there is something for me to do and if i don't get disability i will find something but i am beginning to not think that my identity is wrapped in nursing, I watched squrriels play in the tree yesterday so full of joy ripping and racing around the trunk of the tree running on the limbs and jumping from tree to tree i fully expected them to laugh out loud or at least one of them call Watch me mom. I thought about if they have joy the freedom of movement the glee of play how much more does God want us to be joyful.

A lovely service at the warehouse the music just filled me i worshiped with my hands up and felt the Holy spirit so sweet and strong. Sermon was also good and then came home a little conflict with my beloved has left me feeling blue and sad went in the bathroom and prayed that God would soften my heart if it is me that needs to be corrected.Am sleepy and think i am going to try and go take a nap. will hopefully write more later.

January 1 2010

well today has been a good day , had lunch with mama supper with wayne and lucy so now i am getting ready to go to bed I am tired , I am going to read a psalm and maybe a proverb say my prayers and go to bed. I have so much that i need to start on back on program and home stuff . I am so grateful that the lord is giving me this time to learn and get myself together. I feel kinda blah but i really think i am just tired.

Only you know the future lord and what it holds

I only know that as long as i hold on to you i will be survive that future and be redeemed at your chosen time. Thank you lord that i am not what i used to be i am not what i will become but i am getting better in every way everyday, Thank you jesus!