Connect the Dots

I was thinking about the things in childhood that used to make me happy,like kaliadoscopes and paperdolls and Connect the dots. Simple things and perhaps i am making things harder than they have to be or am i scared of complex things I am not sure.

Yesterday we thought Secret was sick Thank God it was a false alarm This Cold weather is just not good for the horses they don't like to drink when it is this cold and we are so blessed we are not like our northern neighbors who have snow to deal with. Still have not heard from my claim as the weeks go by it is hard to hold on to my hope. Poor wayne who has tried so hard to be as understanding as he can. It was awful in the hospital I was never so glad to leave a place in my life. It was so weird afterworking for the hospital in different area's i still felt like i should pick up trash or wipe up a spill yet i am not part of that world anymore and hearing people moan and crying it was terrible i just wanted to tell the nurses Do Something Don't you hear them they are hurting!

Still I am comforting myself that God has all of this in his hands he knows how hard I worked How hard i tried and that either way we will be okay, If I Can just make a step across the bridge . Maybe i am crossing the bridge and I just don't realize it . I don't know .



Thank you Lord


Thank you Lord you are here with me In me around me Lord.
Thank you Lord you wipe my tears and hold them in you hands Lord.
Thank you Lord I can crawl up in your Lap and you hold me Lord.
Thank you Lord You set me on my feet again you brush me off and send me on my way.

Seemed Like Forever

So much has happened, Lucy had appendicitis and had to go to our local Ed. They were great very busy so she had to wait a good bit but as soon as they got her in the went right to work and then after Ct and labs she had pain meds and then more pain meds. The only time i thought i would lose it was when I was waiting for the nurse to bring the second dose of pain meds. It Ripped my heart seeing her in that much pain. I was able to ride in the ambulance with her I was in the front , The emt had a country rock station on the radio and I was actually bold enough to ask if I could change the station, Yep we listened to Good old K LOVE as we went through the night I had my head down praying, We had to go through the ed in thomasville this was stressful as Lucy was very scared and there was a lady moaning loudly and vomitting in the room next to us. outside our door a bipolar lady was carrying on and the staff was trying to get her in a chair. I had to just keep praying for the faceless lady's and for God to keep me together.
once we got in her room it was better then we had the wait until they finshed the admisson .



There was a nice man who transported her to pre op and he said I know you are 18 but do you want your mama to go with you ? She said yes I do so away we went and in the pre op area
it was hetic lots going on, She handled the second i v better than the first one and I thought
did a good trying to answer their questions. However the anethesiologist was sharp with her she was looking over at the nurse who had just arrived to her bedside with lots of syringes ect and he goes Hey Pay Attention to me in a rough tone, then when obtaining her consent he read it but it was like I can't be bothered.

How very hard to walk away as they took her I managed by Gods grace not to fall apart then on
to the lobby to wait and thank goodness there was Mama and eve , She did fine and we ended up staying one more night. I had so wanted her to tell me it is okay you go home when my sister came to see her she said Lucy aren't you ready for your mama go home she said Oh no she is staying with me so of course i stayed and we got through the night. Today was our second day home I have not got much done but i have been so glad to be home . The first thing that happened was mama answered my phone and some poor indian telemarker from debt relife services called and I lost it i yelled at the man it was the stress of the last 2 days I actually thought i heard sirens on the way home but mama and lucy did not hear it. That freaked me out
I have been thinking that i need to spend more time in my bible I have to know more so that when the stress comes i can handle it better I know that being around the sick people and the hustle and bustle did not help me.


It has turned cold again and everyone is pretty tired of rain but as Aunt Virgina used to say
You can control the weather I have not gotten much done today and when i saw my sister she said You look fretful I am I suppose so grateful that lucy is doing better so ready to feel better and for my claim to be settled.



So that is what has gone on with me, I remain a blessed woman ridin the roller coaster trying to cross the bridge.

now what

Now what? I am sitting here in my cozy chair drinking a cup of coffee and wondering what now? I am still having some dizzy spells and though i feel better since adjustment still sore so I have been a good girl taken the meds and the buzzing in my mind is Now what. I so wish that i would get the results of my claim. It would be part of the moving on process. Still we seem to be managing okay with bills . I just need to get across the bridge. From the old me and life to the new me and new life. Like so many things in my life the fear holds me . Had horrible dreams about work the 2 different jobs blending in mainly about the nursing home the overwhelming feeling of not being able to do it all. Each time i would wake so grateful that i was dreaming.

I have to stop and get ready have an appointment with Dr C and I am glad to be going so that maybe she can help me figure out how to cross the bridge.

How to cross the Bridge

How does the weary traveler cross the bridge as the wind blows and the river below rages.

Suddenly finding herself in the middle of the bridge the wind has stopped but the river rages on Louder than ever.

unable to move feet that have turned to stone can go backward or forward Alone.

At the end of the bridge Green meadows wait butterflies sail sweetly scented breezes blow What must I do How do I go. How do I leave the old life behind ?

It is awful these sad lines but that is what is going on in this tossed up mind so i will wait and see what is next .

Hope that tommorrow will be better today was not really bad but had horrible headache and just felt bad. I did not get any reading done of my bible or my beth moore book I wish that i could figure out why i don't get it all done now that i am not working my days fly by. Still I will begin again tommorrow because I know that there is a Victory waiting for me in this Journey and It will help me to Learn more about Jesus.

Claiming the healing that will come

Today is valentines day and I am claiming the healing that i know will soon be mine! Still dizzy, Ear still hurts fell twice yesterday and with having a horrible night last night not getting to go to warehouse this morning I am still convinced in my heart that a healing is coming . I am going to call dr. Lambert and Micheal shiver tommorrow and see if I can get in and get some help I realize that i am more and more house bound and the falls hurt I hate feeling like this but God is good and he is in control he will help me I am sure of it!

We had snow yesterday in south ga! It was wonderful walked with mama to roberts and watched Robert Theo and Chris make snowmen and throw snowballs. Beau Loved it and the horses did not like it . It is a memory that I will cherish being with mama in the snow!

Today has been okay I fell twice and the last one was really hard and hurt. I am not going to get to go to church in the morning cause wayne said he would take me but not stay and I need to hold on to someone who is stronger than Lucy. it is either my ear or the thing that scares me a Brain tumor. It feels silly to even type that. Here is praying that it is the ear. Thought that Lucy and bubba were gonna come over we did a quick tidy up and they are Not gonna come. Mama is at a play tonight. Still waiting on the case and should Know something in a couple weeks.

The Gift of Snow

You gave us the gift of snow

Crisp and white so cold and light the gift of snow .

Young and old filled with delight all amazed at the site.

How different the everyday scene When covered in White.

Help us remember our Joy at the Gift of snow.

How pretty she is today!

This morning I was greeted with a the site of two really happy horses and blou looked like her old self frisky and so far today she has been good. I have started by the kitchen and have to get up soon and try and sweep still sore and right leg is painful. Go see Dr Patel tommorrow still waiting for a Word on my case. Things with mama seem better!

My Little girl is growing up she not a baby now

How it happened I do not know I thought i have

more time to watch her grow.

From baby dolls to barbie's

Frogs and butterflies.

Gymnastics and horse show s

Now we are shopping for a prom dress

S.A.T. or compess test

Which one would be best?

Cap and Gown and year book comming

Graduations is upon us

So Little girl as you soon depart know with head but also your

your heart. That as the road goes winding and the years unfold Your mama will always love you.

More precious than silver or Gold.

\

Today Blou was good I hope she stays good during the night I am going trust God that he will watch over her and i am going to get my Beth Moore book and get in the bed and read and Go go sleep. Thank you Lord for all you do to help me ,Protect me . your mercy and grace are wonderful.

It is wet and rainy here but In my heart it is sunny Blou had colic yesterday but so far so good and I am so grateful that she is doing well. was up and down all night checking on her but she ate this morning and so I hope and pray that she will continue to do well. Still no word on my case Dr patel called and said some doctor named Bailey had called her about me me and she would call back.

Have to get my house cleaned up and So i can start my Beth Moore book it came in and I am so ready to read it and see if it will help me . Off to the wet barn to check on my babies and then to do what i can in the house it is not much but it is something,

Today started with a bang actually repeated door bell rings at a furious pace it was mama the horses had gotten out and Wayne went and as soon as he opened the gate the went right in Like Oh you ready for us . Then after Thanking God for the Horses going back in sweetly. Wayne and I went to the warehouse It was Wonderful and then to brunch at huddle house .

Well here i am it is almost 3 am I listen to lucy as she sleeps on the couch she declares that it feels better than her bed. I did not hear from the disability folks so that means either i did not get it or it is still being reviewed. I feel like i am on the edge of something that is so Good and that i just have to go a little bit farther to get there.I have a lot farther to go to get where i need to as far as the housework is concerned and as of late i remain a low energy girl. still i am hopeful it is like i have too much going on as far as what i can do with my time and i end up not getting anything done. I want to really work on beau and getting him more mannerly and I have needlework to do plus the cooking, cleaning , horses ect. I only feed and pat the horses in no shape to ride. I hope that i communicated well enough to wayne that i need his help in getting things finished in the house we shall see. we went made a deposit and walked in walmart and did not buy a thing I was so proud of us both. we will be shopping some tommorrow for Wayne's Garden. and maybe some Rose bushes,

I am finally feeling like i can sleep so I will go try and see if the sand man comes!

Waiting is not easy Has never been my style.

Help Lord to Look for you

Knowing all the while that you alone my jesus.

Aware of what I do Aware of all my thoughts and fears

Remind me I belong to you.

Feeble Limbs that tremble Steady me sweet Lord. For I need to raise my hands and offer up my Voice. My melody may be off a singer i am not Yet to you alone

I offer praise such as these for you alone are worthy

I give my laughter and my tears

Only ask you let me Praise you during the comming years

Words don't begin to tell the Love you give to me

So take the simple offering it is mine to give and polish

with my tears and praise ,

A Little Closer Still

Today has been a up and down day started with Lucy and I not on the same wave length my sweet daughter is frustrated about not having a job but when the opportunity comes for her to make some money she is too busy she doesn't want to do what is needed. She left late for shcool then calls needs me to check her out so she can go to lunch well i decide to call the school check on the seat hours and what is going on she had not even gone to class yet and they were in second block she was out in the parking lot decorating Jenna's car. I think maybe we are letting her have my car too much and i need to take her to school. Not real happy about driving her but do i do that or now that she understands that she could not graduate if she keeps this up is that enough. Can't talk to mama about it and not sure what i need to do will pray about it and when Wayne get home we can talk.

For the up side my case is being reviewed even as i type I pray that Lord who ever has my case may they see me as a person Hopefully that doctor is a compassionate man or woman who prayerfully considers things that is my hope.

Still I believe that God has this and it is in his hands and he will do what is best for me all i have to do is trust him I feel hopeful that it is possible while it would be tight with disability it would validate that at this time i am not able to nurse and that i can retire and focus on Loving my Husband and home and family and Whatever else God has for me.

Oh Happy Day

Oh Happy Day, Woke up with very little dizziness took antivert just to be on safe side and no headache feel the best i have felt in a week ! Lucy and I discussed my problem with mama and how to resolve it i really do miss her and want to get along. I am praying that we can mend it before it gets too big. It is beautiful outside not sure what the temp is but it is powder blue sky and Sunny!Have to get up and shower and start cleaning now that i feel good i want to do something with it!Later on i may do a little on line retail therapy for kitchen cannisters ect . Am so grateful to God for my sister who is a bridge to help me with communications am grateful that i am learning how to be more effective in my relationships. There just isn't enough room her to list everything but i am so grateful to God I feel that he does Love me and care for me and he hears me when no one else does!!!