well yesterday was interesting in that i spend most of it in the bed. Wayne and I watched movies and played majong and talked it was great! Now i am getting a late start and have to do something so that i don't feel so guilty. I was just reminded that Just because i don't know what God is doing it does not mean that he is not working and doing and i will Know Later. My body may be sore from so much bed time but i feel better in my spirit that I am on the right track in so many ways.

Today has been a mixed blessing like alot of my days it seems It seems that The Good Lord means for me to learn how to confront people especially people who i love and have the hardest time confronting. I had always sorta viewed robert and I as the lucky ones as far as the five siblings go my child hood memories are mixed and somewhat blocked but today was like having a scar ripped off your body. The whole time the conflict was going on i kept saying I can't hear what you are saying now don't you know that you are Hurting me Why would you do this. You just told me how when this happened to you how it hurt you that is what you are doing right now. Before I would have A) given Lip service and said I agree with you ,B Changed the subject and left as quickly as possible . Today it just rose up in me and i tried to defend my thoughts and give example without hitting below the belt. Now that many hours have gone by and i have had sometime to ponder things I wonder if God is trying to teach me how to shift my focus or toughen up cause it is fixing to get worse I am determined not to wallow in this but the hurt of it put me back in a place i never wanted to go back too.

A plate of Chocolates

A plate of chocolates so smooth and sweet tempting

a temporary moment of bliss that would overtake the

Pain.

The pain old wounds that time and distance had dimished

Like once rough stones that had been rinsed by turbulent waters for so long that the appearance of smoothness is apparent but just under the surface the cracks await . The pain like an Old Lion roars and my hand aches to reach out and take a smooth sweet chocolate from the plate the pain numbing chocolate that will for a moment Silence the Lion.

good day Have alot to do tommorrow Lucy told me that my clothes did not smell fresh today and that really bothered me. When we were walking at the hospital i got so short of breath and i have got to get a grip and lose some weight. I see christine tommorrow and hope i can make some progress . Then when i get done in thomasville i have to make a stab at the house cause Pelli is comming to see me tommorrow. It is not looking good on the disability because even though my legs are the pits i have good pinch strength and so it is going to be up to God to put my file in the hands of a doctor who may look kindly on me. It is up to him.

Well Thus Far today has been bittersweet, The worship at the warehouse was awesome Rick Preached and it was awesome all about how it is okay to Doubt God and to share our struggles that it is through our doubt and search that God teaches us and that we grow. Sister has a heavy heart and the Lord is working in her life. So now i am snuggled down with a slow blazing fire and 2 blankets. The weather is bitter cold.Wayne has gone to lowes . Lucy is with friends. I am going to face the wretched scale tommorrow I have gained and have to get on program so that i can lose this weight i have been eating my doubts and fears instead of talking to God about it .

Well today has been a day! one of the animals is wanting some water so i will do that so that the stop moving the water bowl across the kitchen floor and then i can proceed to try and put it all down.Over slept which did not help me at all it has been so cold this week but Thanks be to God no colic yet Praise him . Wayne's mama is having a horrible time with her chemo does any one have a good time with it? She sounds so weak and frail. I hid in my bathroom today praying the whole time because i just did not want to deal with mama and her criticism and so she fussed at Wayne I am sure i will get it tommorrow . I know that she is still hurt with me for changing churches . I learned that because the Guy that did my Functional capascity Exam said my grip strength and pinch strength was good i may get dinied. That sorta made me feel anxious for a bit but God has got this and i am going to keep trusting him to lead me on. So I got some light housekeeping done and such. Did not get my bible read but have listened to joyce meyer and some good music am listening to my ipod that has an electic mix on it from Judy Garland to huey lewis and the news and all points in between. Really think i missed a dose of meds yesterday and it did a number on me today so i changed where i am taking them. Had a horrible nightmare ect.I spend sometime talking to Christa and she is having a hard time and i wish she could see somebody that could help her. I cannot wait to talk to christine i have somethings to ask her am i avoiding mama because of conflict and it is easy to just not see her, Was all the time that i let the house get messy dirty because i wanted to keep family out so if i wanted to over eat they would not be here cause my house is dirty. I have had some good things too when i found the ept in lucy's bathroom before i would have gone ape crap but i did not and she has talked more to me and told me that she thinks it has helped me. How much of my life is ruled by my fears my not riding cause i am scared i will get hurt, I don't drive certain places cause i might get in a wreck,'

I don't confront mama on my boundaries cause it would cause a problem and i see her critisim as a rejection. Sometimes i am not the sweet person that folks think i am but i don't show it cause i don't want to be hurt or rejected. I feel better but still feel like a mess. I talked to fred this week he still has nightmares and such just like i do so i am not alone. I know that i am blessed and i don't want to be on a pitty pot as mom puts it but i also want to redeem the time and find out why i react the way i do so i can learn. I feel like there is something for me to do and if i don't get disability i will find something but i am beginning to not think that my identity is wrapped in nursing, I watched squrriels play in the tree yesterday so full of joy ripping and racing around the trunk of the tree running on the limbs and jumping from tree to tree i fully expected them to laugh out loud or at least one of them call Watch me mom. I thought about if they have joy the freedom of movement the glee of play how much more does God want us to be joyful.

A lovely service at the warehouse the music just filled me i worshiped with my hands up and felt the Holy spirit so sweet and strong. Sermon was also good and then came home a little conflict with my beloved has left me feeling blue and sad went in the bathroom and prayed that God would soften my heart if it is me that needs to be corrected.Am sleepy and think i am going to try and go take a nap. will hopefully write more later.

January 1 2010

well today has been a good day , had lunch with mama supper with wayne and lucy so now i am getting ready to go to bed I am tired , I am going to read a psalm and maybe a proverb say my prayers and go to bed. I have so much that i need to start on back on program and home stuff . I am so grateful that the lord is giving me this time to learn and get myself together. I feel kinda blah but i really think i am just tired.

Only you know the future lord and what it holds

I only know that as long as i hold on to you i will be survive that future and be redeemed at your chosen time. Thank you lord that i am not what i used to be i am not what i will become but i am getting better in every way everyday, Thank you jesus!